Entry – This is the first of many letters I am going to write you, God. Today I am sitting in the living room with the dogs. It’s a fall morning and the day should be a good one. I am going to get the rest of the house cleaned, and I will be happy to do it! I will be HAPPY Dammit!
It was after writing that in my journal that I started scribbling the following:
Dear God, Hello it’s me, and I know it has been awhile. I know I have not been around much, but I’ve been…well I want to say great, but only OK comes out. I hope you are doing well.
I don’t want my first entry to you to be all doom and gloom which, in all honesty, it really is not, but still, I have some things I need to talk to you about. First though before I begin I want to say that everything I have and all that is going on in my life really is good. I would like to start with that. You know on a good note. My grandson is just the sweetest darn thing in my whole world. I can’t stand how cute he is and can’t believe how much I love him!
My husband is good…sometime, lol. He’s still cranky but not as often as he was in the past. We really are happy. Everyone is healthy, and I am grateful for that, and I am grateful for all I have, really I am, so my questions are why then why do I feel so lost, so unsure sometimes? I have entered a very strange time in my life- middle age and believe me it is worse than what it is cracked up to be. All this talk of more time or of “my time,” is well, it’s bull! It stinks. I used to long for more free time, and now that I have it I don’t know what to do with it and don’t know where to start even if I did, know.
I feel misled, duped somehow and now all that is left of me is a big blob of confusion and conflict. I don’t have any confidence; I don’t feel connected, or content. Worse of all, I feel out of control and half the time I am constipated, yet have to run to the bathroom to pee every five seconds!
I am beginning to hate words that start with con. I can’t find my reading glasses that I have just set down on the table let alone figure out what my life purpose is or if I am on the right path.
I used to believe you asked for me, and now I don’t seem to hear you at all anymore. I know what you are going to say, that I have gotten out of the habit of asking for you, but why am I the one that has to search for you? I mean dang I feel like I have got to do everything as it is and now it is my job to be the one to contact the omnipresent creator of all that is? WOW, really? Not fair. I feel like this relationship should be easier and not, so one sided.
I am afraid of everything again now that I am getting older. All those old childhood fears are back you know how much I need to be in control, this stinks. Nothing seems to make any sense. All the questions that used to haunt me are back.
Who am I?
What am I here to accomplish?
What is my purpose?
I ended there exhausted, sad and just a little more than mad. The heartbreaking thing was that I did not expect an answer. I felt totally and utterly alone, and I hated the feeling. Then when I least expected it, I got an answer. There it was right in front of me and I hardly even remember writing it. In fact, I thought to myself I didn’t write it, but still, there it was plain as day.
“Keep writing. I will always answer.” So, I started a journal called Keep Talking God; I Am Trying to Listen. Here is where I will be posting early journaled conversations.